Who? What? Where?! THERE!!

For starters, my apologies.

I could write a number of excuses, reasons, or plattitudes about why this blog went on an impromptu hiatus. But really, it would be fruitless. But impromptu hiatus it has been for the last few months – be it the holidays, my work schedule, my personal life, or just the general feeling of needing a break, it all adds up. But none of it really matters.

I started this blog a little over a year ago (December 2005) with an express purpose to be a voice for the gay Christian, struggling or not, closeted or open or somewhere in between, or just because things needed to be said. I believe that during 2006, this purpose was served to the best of my ability. However towards the end of last year it was becoming clearer in my mind that this blog should move beyond refuting the crazy fundamentalists, talking about the issues of the day, and what not.

Moreover, something that has bothered me since the beginning, as weird as this may seem since it was my choice, was the fact that I kept my anonymity online, despite the fact that I’m fully open about who I am and who I love in my regular life. This choice of anonymity had its reasons at the time, but now those reasons are becoming more obscured.

The Beau and I have been talking about this blog and its purpose, and we are committed to gearing up its next phase of life, as described in part, here. We will be starting up again shortly, and some of those changes will be obvious.

For one, we won’t post every day. And we won’t follow any one given track or train of thought. Some posts will be classic GCB, where I rant and rave about something going on in the world today. But many more posts will be about our life, serving as a window into the world of our relationship – for all its ups and downs and sideways. You’ll see more from the Beau … since he’s actually the writer in our relationship.

And most importantly, you’ll learn our real names.

Stay tuned.

Equity vs. Equality -or- What Will New Jersey Do Next?

So yeah, my ol’ hometown courts have decided … nothing. They neither ruled for, nor against, gay marriage. (story) And even as the state momentarily responded with a collective, “huh?” legislators and activists began setting the stage to make New Jersey the first legislatively equal states in the Union. But still many say huh? so here’s the deal.

The New Jersey government has 6 months to decide how it will grant an “equal dispensation of rights and benefits to committed same-sex partners.” In other words, New Jersey MUST now deliberately choose between Equity and Equality, but barring any crazy antigay rabble rousing (which would never fly in that state), they don’t have the option of letting it ride until the next Assembly, and the next, and the next. Now they have to choose by May.

But what to choose, what to choose. Does it matter? Of course it does. There is a marked difference between equity and equality.

Equity is essentially being “fair” by providing very closely similar benefits to two persons. It’s like if Mom gave my sister a chocolate chip cookie, then she may choose to be fair – or equitable – and give me peanut butter cookie. They are not equal, they are in fact, very different types of cookies, but both my sister and I received a sugary treat.

Equality – upon which our national values are built – is levelling the playing field and starting everyone off the same. It is giving both my sister and I the same type and size of cookie. Equality recognizes that there are aspects of people and situations that are identical, and that those needs and aspects must be recognized and treated the same.

Generally, people find Equity to be acceptible. After all, I don’t care about the fact that my sister got a chocolate chip cookie … just that she got a cookie. As long as I get a cookie too, then it’s equitable and I’m happy. If I get a big ol’ piece of chocolate cake … that has an intrinsic inequity for my sister, and she probably wouldn’t be so amenable to the idea.

We find equity all through our society and – generally – accept it. Equity is found in the Emergency Room – each person gets care, but some people get a little bit more because they need a little bit more. Affirmative Action is equity. The toys in McDonalds Happy Meals are equity. Handicap-accessible cash register counters at the grocery store are equity.

The concept of Separate, But Equal is actually Equity.

If you’ll recall, “Separate, But Equal” stopped at the comma. Sure, on the face of it, black children got public schools with publicly-paid teachers and a publicly-funded bus system and a publicly-supplied textbooks. On paper it worked out great! In reality, however, the black schools were run down, out of town and twice as far as the white schools, the teachers were not paid nor trained as well, and the text books were usually the hand-me-downs from the white schools. And that’s not even to mention the degrading feeling of being told to use a special water fountain or bathroom or section of the bus for the ‘dirtier’ race.

There are some things that we demand no less than Equality and such things are generally our rights and humans and Americans. Equality assumes that the issue at hand is an equalizer – that every person is imbued with the quality. In today’s society we now assume that all people have the capability to think and reason and learn in the same way, and so we have integration of our schools. In the same way we assume that men and women are equally impacted by the laws of this land and so all are allowed to vote.

Now the time has come for us to recognize that all people have the capability to love another person and to rightly choose the mate that matches them. We must recognize that equalizer and equally grant the rights, recognition, and responsibilities that our society places on union in marriage.

In this issue of equity versus equality, we must choose equality for marriage. Marriage carries with it rights, responsibility, respect and recognition. Marriage Equality strengthens the institution by making it the standard for all people. It places the proper expectations on our gay community and in our society of the weight of the relationship. Marriage Equity simply creates another set of options, and carries with it an excuse, a reason to deem the Beau and I’s Equitable Marriage-Like Thing as something cute, but slightly less real than Marriage.

What the New Jersey courts have decided is that there the way the marriage laws are written in that state, they don’t give the right of lifelong union to gay couples. So the courts cannot “enact” gay marriage. But what the courts did say was that is inequality, and that inequality is unacceptible.

To meet the standard, the New Jersey government only must provided equity for the rights of marraige. In other words, they may, at a minimum, create “Marriage 2.” While this indisputably diminishes the value and worth of Marriage 1, it does meet the legal requirement for equity under the law. But it does not meet the moral requirement of equality under this Nation’s Values system.

The gay community is not asking for special treatment nor special rights. We have only ever asked for equality. When it comes to marriage, nobody wants Equity or Separate, But Equal – not the gay community (we will not be society’s red-headed stepchild), not the fundamentalists (they want to see Marriage 1 preserved), and not the county clerks (who have to figure out who to make more red tape). New Jersey – and all of us – must demand nothing less that the equality this nation sought to build from the beginning.

Focus, People! ... A Fresh Vision for GCB - or - Why There's Been Fewer Posts and Why There Will Be More Soon

Posting-lag can kill a blog. That is something that has been rattling around in my brain for a while now as my own posts get further apart than when they started 11 months ago. A year ago it seemed there was a lot more going on that and a lot more to talk about. Today, if ever so slightly, the winds have changed and indeed, my own focuses have changed.

Don’t get me wrong – the fundamentalists are just as vile as ever. So-called ex-gays continue to spout nonsense and anecdotal opinion while making up whatever facts that “support” them. Fundamentalists in government continue to impose religious and discriminatory law, violating the very freedoms and equalities that made this Nation great in the first place. And the AFA continues to boycott anything that sneezes equality. But what I’ve begun to sense is that the fundamentalists losing their credibility in the world with increasing speed, and they’re getting obsessively desperate as a result.

Remember this from May of this year? A day or two after we all heard it on the news, Pat Robertson says God told him all special-like that “the coasts of America will be lashed by storms.” Right… and how many hurricanes hit the US this year? This is the same guy who has blamed any and every natural disaster or terrorist attack on gay people over the last decade, as well as declared our government should assasinate the president of Venezuela. Who takes this guy seriously anymore? Really, very few. And really, the decreasing amount of news coverage the Falwell/Dobson/Robertson/Phelps machine gets is for entertainment value more than anything else.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my faith and it remains as strong as I can hope for; but I’m angry about what’s been done to it, and I’m angry about how wretched so many fundamentalists and evangelicals really are. Focusing on them, following them, debating them and even trying to carry on a decent conversation with them can be fruitless and, after a while, boring. Words alone will never convince them, and if there’s anything to trend statistics, it shows us that the bottom 15-30% of a group of people will never give up their ideological strongholds regardless of what immorality it demans of them.

So over the last few weeks, between the long hours at work and the relaxing times home with the Beau settling into our snazzy new crib, I’ve been debating with myself what exactly I should be focusing on with this blog. In general, I find I’ve more or less settled along a number of common themes:

1. Fundamentalists are generally Hardheaded, Unthinking, and Needlessly, Inhumanly Vitriolic.

2. There is a real hope for an HIV/AIDS cure in the near future.

3. Gay Christians exist, are loved by God, find true love and have a varied experience in this world that deserves a voice in the Conversation.

4. In history there has been no example for how to live a moral and godly life as a gblt person, but looking forward we gay Christians, who are finding a voice, have a responsibility to set that example and lead our communities.

5. Marriage Equality will invariably and undeniably set the stage for healthy and stable relationships, communities, and nations. We desire nothing less, nothing more, than the rights and responsibilities of marriage.

There is little I can do on a national or blogospheric scale to combat the fundamentalists head on. I’ve grown tired of their refusal to converse and reason and masking with it platitudes of agape and (mis-)understanding. They bore me, and I find myself prone to mocking and screwing with them, which is just too easy. I don’t want to be that kind of person, and there are already a ton of blogs that I enjoy and respect that handle their hypocritical doublespeak very well. So that is not really a focus for this blog.

HIV/AIDS is not a focus either. There are a number of posts here and I continue to advocate the World Community Grid FightAIDS@Home project. HIV touches us all. It is not a gay disease, it is a human crisis that transverses the world and kills indiscriminately painfully. I have hope, and continue to do my part to further the cure, but that is not my venue. Being HIV negative I can never lend the voice that fully understands the life of those living with HIV, and not being a researcher or a scientist I can’t speak much to the research being made. As a human, I can fight, but it’s not my role to lead here.

Gay Christians exist, and there are lot more of us blogging these days than there were 12-18 months ago. This community grows and gains a voice, and it gains support of well-spoken straight allies. Not one of us individually will ever encapuslate the voice of the many. We must continue to speak together, sharing our voices and opinions and beliefs and move collectively toward the goals of equality. We must engage with one another, commenting on each others blogs, encouraging one another, and reminding each other that we all exist, and we have a voice.

But something I’ve seen less of is a voice of example for healthy relationship. Growing up, we all had an example of some kind of healthy relationship. We learned, somehow from someone, how love grows and exhibits itself healthfully in real life. We learn from our parents how to live, how to get married, how to raise children … as straight people. But few gay people have grown up with validation of who we are wired to love, and as such, all we’re left with as an example is the carnal culture we see on the Internet. That’s not good. Moreover, as our community moves from adolescence into getting a grip on itself, we still need to learn, on the whole, what it means to be in good relationship. And we need examples.

It’s all good to sit around and say we need examples, but gets us nowhere. So in talking it over and evaluating how we should seek to influence those around us, we will be adjusting to focus of This Gay Christian’s Blog.

We will continue to write posts that highlight the gay Christian experience, gay rights and the fight for equality, just like we always have. More and more I’ll be highlighting the great posts and thinking from other strong gay Christian bloggers around the ‘sphere. But the Beau will be joining me in more regular posting focus about the daily life of two men who love each other and are committed to each other and to a relationship rooted in God’s love. The Beau and I are very different people with very different perspectives on things – and we want to share more of our regular life, points of view and thought processes on the things that make up what we believe is a healthy, gay, Christian relationship in modern society. Sure I’ve talked about our relationship from time to time and how much we love each other all that, but now you’ll begin hear from both us about the good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe some of it will be boring. Maybe some of it practical. Hopefully it will be encouraging, And all of it will be real.

We have a few topics in mind, but will always happily entertain questions, comments and suggestions, and as always – accepting op-ed posts and comments. We’re not sure what the new posting frequency will look like, but we expect several posts a week. So check back, add GCB to your feed reader, and please continue to join the conversation.

To the next phase of our collective journey,

Dirty Tricks, Coming Out, Settling Down, Leading and Other Late Nite Ponderments

Monday night, 11pm. The Beau has gone to bed to catch up on lost sleep, so here I sit with a glass of wine, a keyboard, The Decemberists’ new album, the sparkly lights of the city and a whirlwind of various thoughts (mis)firing in a hundred directions.

It’s election season, and believe me, it’s difficult not to comment sometimes. This blog is non-political, but I strongly advocate (and will do so maybe later this week) our responsibility to vote and be aware of what’s going on. What I hate about this season, however, is electioneering. I’ve hated it every since the badly-drawn posters of high school class-presidential drama. In the adult world, of course, it’s a whole lot uglier. Since my post regarding Mark Foley, there’s been something in the news every day about it – from who knew what, when, to gross and evil accusations against the gay community, to members of our own gay community turning on the rest as a disgusting politicking attempt. Popular gay lobbyist bloggers have sent lists of known gay and closeted or quiet republicans to fundamentalists as an attempt to discredit that party. Regardless of your political affiliation, that’s disgusting.

There is a code, I believe, in our community, that coming out is a personal journey and process. Not because of what it is, but because of the gutsy act of working through society’s morass of pressurized homophobia we’re all, at some level, aware of if not suffering from. Some day, coming out will be a non-event. For now, however, we offer a modicum of grace to those who haven’t or cannot yet be honest about who they were made to be and love. To out someone is to rob them of that growth process, and isn’t just not fair, it’s mean. To do so as a political maneuver makes me sick. Why are we turning on ourselves for the sake of votes?

But politics aside, coming out is important. Last week, many of us observed National Coming Out day, and this year more than others I saw quite a bit of questioning as to why a person should come out. One couple’s blog received comments calling them cowards for being a closeted couple in the rural midwest, despite their very public words and opinions. The Journeyman wonders why we gay men are expected with fervor to proclaim our orientation while straight people are not. It’s a valid question, and one I don’t have a complete answer yet.

I know for me and the Beau, it had less to do with what was expected of and more of what we knew to be the right thing to do. The Beau came out of his own accord, I was found out by a snooping mother about a week after I came out to my church and a week before I planned to tell my parents. But for us, we needed to in order to get past a mental and emotional weight that would otherwise drag us down. An old saying of mine (which rarely helps but I still say it to myself) is that the Fear of the thing, is often worse than the Thing. In other words, the more we obsessed about what would happen if we came out, the more it destroyed our souls. Of course not everyone in our conservative/fundie families understands or loves us for us, but at least they know us and can wrestle with their love or lack their of on their own accord. By casting aside that blockade, we can focus our energies on more Kingdom-edifying things, or at the very least, on building our relationship and reinforcing it with open friendships.

I realize that not everyone is ready, for any number of reasons. One of my favorite people ever is over 40 and firmly entrenched in his closet (or at least so he thinks). Yet he is one of the wisest gay men I’ve ever known, and I respect him no less for his decisions. I think, however, that we’re all better for being honest with and about ourselves and our love. For one, it lifts an emotional and spiritual burden that unnecessarily hinders us. For two, it raises visibility.

There’s a lot of bad stuff going on in this country in the next four weeks. There are antigay-marriage amendments in about 8 more states, five of which have a reasonably good chance of passing. The fundamentalists are claiming we’re all responsible for the Mark Foleys of the world because ‘all-gays-want-teenage-boys-in-bed.’ (for the record, teenagers drive me crazy and I tend to avoid them). Local churches filled with reasonable people don’t know what to think, because they simply don’t know or understand the plight, lives, and normalcy of the gay people around them. If more of us came out, and were honest, and showed our friends and family who we really are – that is, the same we’ve always been, just now more honest – I believe they’d be much slower to condemn all those “horrible homosexuals.” And lastly, we come out because we say, “Never Again.”

Are we settling down? Few can deny – and I won’t – that the gay community has gone through an adolescence during the last thirty years of the 20th century. Now, as pointed out in this New York Times article, “From 2000 to 2005, the number of people identifying themselves in Census surveys as being in a same-sex couple grew by 30 percent.” Fundies love to claim we’re all caught in some wretched lifestyle, an accusation that leaves many of wondering what we’re apparently missing out on. Moreover, I’ve stated a few times before that I believe those darker days grew out of the church’s abandonment of whole swaths of people who needed love more than ever. Today, however, we’re settling down more. The sex clubs are closing, the pick-up points still exist but are fewer and further between, and the seedy clubs with g-stringed dancers are a joke. The Internet is an untamed beast, still, but those who would seek out dangerous behavior have always and will always find their medium.

But as we become more visible and understood by our neighbors and churches, we’re going to need to be more conscious of our own. Those of us in sound, solid, gay relationships need to be providing an example to our community. Teenagers who are learning who they are need a sound and godly model of what good relationship looks like. They need to see that being gay does not equal sex drugs and Internet acronyms. We need leaders.

Some thoughts to ponder, some things rumbling through my mind. And now to bed.

The Changing Face of Marriage

This has been around the blogosphere, so perhaps you’ve seen the recent news that the number of married households has fallen below 50%. Meaning just slightly more than half the households in the U.S. are long term dating relationships, domestic/life partners, single mothers/fathers, or other types of families. It’s a hint at the changing face and structure of the marriage institution.

The falling rates of marriage are merely a current snapshot, and not a sign that marriage is becoming passe.

Pamela J. Smock, a researcher at the University of Michigan Population Studies Center, said her research — unaffiliated with the Census Bureau — found that the desire for strong family bonds, and especially marriage, was constant. “Even cohabiting young adults tell us that they are doing so because it would be unwise to marry without first living together in a society marked by high levels of divorce.”

We could all debate the morality of what was once called “living in sin” ‘til we’re blue in the face. But the fact remains that culture moves in evolutionary patterns, and its up to the Christians to show what proper relationship looks like in the Kingdom of God present on earth today.

On a somewhat side note, I was somewhat surprised to find the AgapePress stance be less focused on blaming the gays for the shift than I expected. The evangelundamists, rather than considering a modified strategy, believe that people are merely delaying marriage and not “rejecting the institution.” They’re quick to point out that gays and alternative families gravitate towards dens of urban sin like New York, San Francisco (gay-land), Chicago and L.A. They leave out, of course, that the greatest downward trend was found in their own Southern Baptist base, the south (see graphic from New York Times below). Of course, it’s all the Demopublicans’ fault, says Family Research Council. Oy … Fundamentalists: making up life as we go along.

A Coming Out Story

With National Coming Out Day on Wednesday, October 11, The Beau today shares his own coming out story. Coming out is not easy for gay Christians, and the journey is not always pleasant. But in the end, Living in Truth is more freeing than quashing your identity for the sake of others’ expectations.

In the year between when I came out to myself to when I came out to everyone, I experienced a good number of bizarre coincidences. Too many things that were all too familiar that added up, to me, to say that I had made the correct choice in Accepting who I am.

I found books by my favorite childhood author that I should have read but never did and found a very solid, very good plotline about a gay family member. I was accidentally introduced to several children’s books about gay people and was even given a book by one of my sisters that has a very clear gay theme (though I doubt they knew it). Most importantly, I was given as an assignment a poem to read. The poem is called, “How to Watch Your Brother Die.”

“When the call comes, be calm.
Say to your wife, ‘My brother is dying. I have to fly
to California.’
Try not to be shocked that he already looks like
a cadaver.
Say to the young man sitting by your brother’s side,
‘I’m his brother.’
Try not to be shocked when the young man says,
‘I’m his lover. Thanks for coming.’”

The poem continues onward in a beautiful, horrifying tale about a brother comes to grips with his gay brother after the gay man’s death. It’s by Michael Lassell and can be read in its entirety here. But as I read the words, so close to the time when I knew I would come out to everyone, I wondered, Would my family only be able to forgive themselves on my deathbed? Would they even need to? Would they wait so long to love me?

I can’t say those words were particularly helpful to me at the time, but a theme was growing in my life. Gay books that were perfect for where I was seemed to magically fly at me. I truly believe that it was God. Weeks before Christmas, I had a conversation with my mother in which she told me she just wanted me to be happy. That she wanted me to “Find Someone.” But she never used the feminine pronoun. Never a she, only a “someone” or a “they.” My heart thrilled and jumped and it was all I thought of until my Graduation came about.

“She knows and she doesn’t care!” I thought.

The night before they arrived, I went out to drinks with some friends and I was shocked to realize the Truth: I was going to tell them that weekend. There are a number of reasons I came up in defense of my decision, but all that really matters is that I was going to tell them and no matter the circumstances, my beautiful boyfriend would be there to comfort me.

That night we went to dinner and sat quietly. As dinner progressed, I brought up the Blogger a number of times and made sure to mention how I was going to New York to be with him. And how important he was to me. At the end of dinner I told them I had something to tell them so my mother asked if we ought go somewhere else. They’d experienced the brutal end of my Truth-telling before. So, sitting in their hotel room with our food still warm in a nearby tin, I told them that the reason the Blogger is so important to me. That he is my boyfriend.

My parents sat there shocked. Tears welled up in my father’s usually-empty face. My mother already hysterical. My dad shook his head, his first words to me, “It’s not okay.”

Tears were in my eyes. I had expected all this, but I had so hoped. I sat there, explaining with my fledgling words what I knew to be true, but neither of them listened. They were too hurt and too worried. They made unfair assumptions, my mother assuming I’d die early and my dad trying to make me see their reason. In the end I went home to the Blogger. I sat in his arms and he comforted me as the Father had in my parents’ hotel room.

Two nights later, my sisters sat in the same room asking, “Mom said you had something to tell us?” Feeling that some trick was about I say with no fanfare, no stuttered apology in my voice like the night before, “The Blogger is my boyfriend.” One sister is upset, furious with me. The best response the whole weekend. One sister is in tears. She reads to me 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 and I can’t help but reply sardonically “You don’t really think Paul wrote that in English…do you?” They don’t get it.

The next few days were a series of injuries, guilt trips, dramatics, scriptural and spiritual attacks. But none of them matched the worst. Before my graduation, I had told them I would be introducing them to The Blogger. I reminded them how important he is to me and that I’d like them to meet him at breakfast. They arrived very late, leaving me with little time to make things less awkward. A quick introduction and I was off to line up for ceremonies, hoping they could all start getting to know each other. But they never say a word to the Blogger. Eventually they walk away from him with no nod, not a glimmer of recognition. When I find out that the Blogger isn’t sitting with them, I’m livid. I’ve had the worst graduation I can think of. At my “graduation dinner,” I’m allowed no friends, but when they learn that one of my brother’s friends was there, they regret not seeing him. They would have invited him.

Despite all this they claimed to love me, so I go to Colorado with them for Christmas. I packed everything up and drove home across the states to be with them for 3 painful weeks. My only comfort was in phone calls and books and friends, never with family. Everyone seemed so close to saying “You’ve ruined Christmas,” and actually meaning it. Before I left for New York, their love took shape as it does for all these fundamentalist Christians. Six of my family members sat down with me and all talked at me. Never listening. Claiming to “Speak the Truth in Love” when all that came from their mouths was hurt and confused words. Perhaps Love, but through Hate. There was only one relief, a sister-in-law. No one in my blood family brought comfort. When it ended, I told them that I was going to my room to cry, but was no comfort even there. They came in, trying to assuage their guilt. They knew they’d hurt me but they can’t understand it. Didn’t they do something good and noble? Isn’t that how they’re told to love? Wasn’t this the ‘right’ thing to do?

Comfort only came when I packed everything into a car I had to rent and drove the long miles from Colorado to New York. The comfort that came was awash with beauty and rest and Truth, the kind I always sought as a child.

In the car with one of my best friends, we chattered endlessly about our lives. We stopped at rest stations and I felt comfortable making gay jokes, confident that any word my family gets back they’ll already have heard. In a hotel, we laughed at our sleeping in the same bed. What would my parents think of us if they ever heard that I slept in the same bed as my best (girl) friend? The road was peaceful and warming. It was the journey I’d long wanted to take, but never had the guts to just hop in the car.

Now that I’m on this road, my family hasn’t had much of a choice but come to some sort of understanding. My parents and two of my siblings rarely mention the Blogger. But thankfully they don’t mention how disappointed they are either. They tried once, but the distance I’ve had as well as the amount of books I’ve read just pointed out each of their mistakes, mistakes that I probably made as a child. I love them and I know that they love me, we just have troubles expressing it somedays.

There have, of course, been the incredible perks of the journey. Outside of being comfortable with myself, outside of having a wonderful, amazing boyfriend, there’s a connection with a sister I never thought possible. When I speak with her on the phone I feel her warm love embrace me and I can tell she understands. She’s invited both the Blogger and I to her house. She has apologized for her treatment of him at my graduation. Somehow or other, the minister’s wife gets it better than any of the other regular fundamentalists in my family. I like to think that isn’t an accident.

Along this new journey friends have grown closer than I ever knew they could be. I’ve found an unshatterable faith that finds a place for knowledge without sternly demanding I choose not to believe certain things. I’ve intertwined with a person, something I never thought possible. I’ve seen how a person can live their life in Truth and I’m so relieved to find that it isn’t some fiction I created as a child, but something incredible and real. Most importantly, along this new, startling journey I’m on is me smiling, happy to never have to lie to anyone else again.

All You Need Is ... Love? Commitment? Hope?

Clearly, much of what I write comes, of course, from my own world experience. And even though I’ve had friends in many religions, with warring view points, have met people from and around the world, the words I write barely scratch the surface of the gay Christian experience.

Case in point – gay men who marry women – and not for reasons you might think. It’s something I couldn’t consider for myself – and their reasons are ones that are all new to me … ones that I haven’t been able to fully comprehend. But these are real stories of people who truly understand their sexuality but don’t act as expected.

Mormons have a great deal of community pressure to act as they “should” according to the rules of the church. Young Mormons who are gay often end up with the choice of leaving the church, quashing their personhood or reparative therapy, none of which are fair options. But in the cases described in this article and on these blogs (one, two, three), the men identify and accept their same-gender attractedness, even while being married and hoping and trying to maintain a relationship.

They were not naive, stupid or ignorant about the risks they faced when they married in the LDS Temple nearly five years ago. Before he proposed officially, Ben told Jessie about his homosexuality. They talked a lot about it. They prayed about it. They both felt marriage was what God wanted them to do.

Now Ben and Jessie have two children, 3-year-old Sophie and 2-month-old Timothy. They have shared their experiences with other Mormon mixed-orientation couples who have established a community in cyberspace.

Naturally, Ben and Jessie hope their eyes-open commitment will prove to be the exception. ... “I didn’t want to marry her just to prove to myself and others that I was normal, or to avoid hurting her feelings, or because it was the right thing to do. I wanted to marry her because I loved her and I wanted to be with her. Which I was pretty sure I did,” Ben wrote.

They know what they’re up against. The odds are against them. Within the Mormon community, most marriages with one gay partner end. Yet in these cases, they still want to try. Not even because they don’t want to be gay, but because they want to do what they feel is right for them.

Meanwhile, we have, in the UK, a Christian couple lives in an inter-orientation relationship. For them, they see it as living an “alternate lifestyle” that is their call as Christians. They make no allusions about the situation, but they accept who they are, and love each other regardless of what does/can or doesn’t/cannot happen in the bedroom.

Now they embrace the reality of their relationship, still love each other, own a business together, are raising two children and have been married over 20 years. He still identifies as gay, not bi or ex-gay, but gay. This works for them because of their love to each other and their commitment to integrity. As far as I know they are monogamous and faithful to each other.

So what of it? Is it honorable, right, godly, righteous, or better to be in a relationship that doesn’t mesh with what you may have been made to love? Are these relationships the same Eros love intended for intimate relationships or is it more like brotherly love where sexuality has no place? And can an intimate relationship – a marriage – be built on that? I … have no idea. For these people, they hope so. And if so, and if they have reasoned it with God and are true to themselves and honorable to their families, then God bless them.

But it’s another view, and another perspective.

We Cannot Run and Hide

I’ve blogged before on my ongoing mental struggle about whether or not we should join anti-gay churches. I’ve concluded (for now) that with so many churches available and so many diverse views among them, we should finding safe havens in our places of worship, allow them to encourage, edify, and renew us rather than sticking around to make a point at the risk of being severely hurt emotionally or spiritually.

However, that is not to say we should run away from our religion altogether.

With the prevelance of religious belief in our country, most of us have grown up with some religious influence. And when a person begins to live in Truth about their sexuality, a great deal of them automatically assume that faith is not complementary and they discard their belief structure in favor of the Truth about who they are. Irony of that aside, gay Christians do it quite a bit as well, though they have a greater struggle and greater liklihood of rejecting their Imago Dei. But when they do ultimately accept their personhood and their faith, they’re going to need the back up.

An article from the UK-based Pink News asks whether gay people should take part in faiths or faith practices that are politically or practically anti-gay (at the extreme), homophobic, or generally non-accepting.

There is something shameful about a person going to Synagogue on the high holy day of Yom Kippur to celebrate the day of atonement and learn how to forgive, and ask forgiveness for, the times that you’ve hurt or offended others or they’ve hurt and offended you, only to be hurt and offended by the service itself.

If you, and other gay Jews, continue to attend this Synagogue and support it with your time, talents and money, then what incentive is there for it to change?

I think part of this falls under the “find a church that edifies” category that I’ve advocated before. There are churches in most major religions that will be more accepting than others, including the more seemingly restrictive ones. However, in the case from this article, Yom Kippur is a sacred religious holy day to the Jewish faith … are Jews simply supposed to ignore it because of their differences of opinion?

And what of marriage? For decades there’s been arguments for and against gay marriage within the gay community. Some will say something to the effect of “why should we want to be like the straights?” or “Our very being is non-traditional, why should we want traditional relationships?” I, myself, believe the adolescence of our community and its inherit rebellion is over and didn’t work out so well. Marriage as our society understands it brings with it the recognition and respect of union and protection and would only be reinforced by equality. Yet in all but one state, we’re not allowed to marry yet … so in the mean time, how do we act in society?

In an interesting blog entry I found today, it seems this gay brother of a Mormon family won’t attend his brother’s wedding because the very ceremony would be too much a slap in the face. I won’t judge his opinion or decision … not knowing to what extent he’ll feel persecuted by his family or church members in attendance, but I will re-question the greater issue.

What do we do here? Do we refuse to take part in our society’s traditions until we’re allowed to partake in their benefits? It sounds like righteous indignance. It sounds like the boycotts of old that led to civil equality. It sounds like a statement!

But to me it sounds pointless. If we don’t attend a wedding, how are the 200 other participants supposed to interpret that? Most of them probably wouldn’t even notice, or there’d be hushed tones of “those gays don’t even care to take part in the ceremonies they supposedly want.”

Generally, I’m in greater support of being even more visible than we are now. Don’t avoid the wedding … arrive a few minutes late and sit in the front row, walking up hand-in-hand with your partner. Don’t make a stink … bring the biggest bouquet. Make lots and lots of cookies and send them to family at Christmas, signed from both of you. Don’t leave your faith entirely … that won’t help anyone … but be in the local ecumencial holiday parade. If one of the strongest messages we gay Christians always want to convey is “I’m the same me,” then we should make sure they see us!

Parents ... Can't live with 'em, Can't shoot 'em

Parents

For most of us, when we were growing up our parents represented an ideal personhood. They loved us no matter what. They defined expectations and taught us what was right and wrong. For some they taught us about God. For many they were are our picture of God. As little boys and girls, we picture our parents as the canon by which we want to live our lives. Because they give us such great love and grant us happiness, we want to make them happy in return. Sure, we may rebel, but even in the angst of teenage rebellion we understand that if we really screw things up, our parents still love us and we can come back. Rarely do even rebellious teenagers actually want to hurt their parents, they’re merely exploring who they are beyond them.

Later, at a certain point in life, we discover that our parents are merely people. Like all people, they have their foibles. They make mistakes – maybe more than we ever understood as children. They sin. They aren’t perfect. At a certain point we come to realize that our parents are not a measure of our worth – that we must make our way regardless of their determinations and find who we were made to be irrespective of who they maybe wanted us to be.

But even on reaching that point, we still don’t want to disappoint them. We don’t want to hurt them. After all, they’re our parents. And even if we merely hold onto the ideal that they are perfect rather than the reality, that’s a tough nut to crack. And many people simply can’t, at least not very quickly.

The thought of disappointing our parents is a wretched one. For most of us, their judgment would be intangible. Sure we may get written out of the will or not get Christmas gifts or our partners ignored, but we live with/out those things – our parents aren’t trying to kill us. The judgment is arbitrary, but it’s emotional impact is extraordinary.

I think a lot of that extraordinary impact comes not from the fact we want to honor our parents for all they gave us, but because when we realize our way is different than theirs and they’re not going to accept it as honorable, legal, or godly, it breaks our image of a canon. For many of us, our sexuality and personhood cannot coincide with a measure of a man that says we are worthless souls.

I’ve always been rather independent so the grip of my parents’ hold has always been light, but that doesn’t make it any less of a pain to deal with. While I don’t judge myself, my accomplishments or my life based on them or their approvals and disappointments, I do have a natural desire to respect them and carry out a relationship with them.

As parents have done for millenia, they communicate what they will and what they think about you through quips, quotes, asides, or in my mother’s well-honed passive aggressive ignorance. My father will, whenever we talk on matters of sin and life and right and wrong and Scripture and the church (which is more often these days), bring up, throw in, cast off, or just briefly comment on how he and “don’t agree” or how he may not like my “lifestyle choice” or some other nonsensical mantra of the confused middle-right. I can generally deal with that … at least for another year and then he’s gonna have to deal.

My mother, on the other hand, presents a whole new set of challenges. As you know they’re going through a not-so-unbitter divorce and naturally their two grown adult children end up in the middle of it on occasion. In this latest case, my mother is visiting my sister for Thanksgiving and invited me along for a homecooked Turkey day meal. Yes … just me. She knows I’m gay (she poked around my room at my house until she found out). She’s knows the Beau and knows who he is. But. she. refuses. to. acknowledge. anything. ... hoping, beleiveing, or whatever, that if she shames me or the Beau for what she doesn’t approve of, we’ll change.

I’m comforted (in my mind) to know that I’m not alone on dealing with crazy parents. Not only do vast majority of gay folk have to deal with theirs (and compared to many I’m lucky), but this is common to everyone in my generation. I just felt like venting. :)

"I have this dream of beauty and hope."

I’m pretty sure we’ve all been here … in this place of longing, seeking, and dreaming. For gay Christians it’s that much more a difficult thing to find our dream guy/gal … we’re a struggling minority within a minority. On the wider scale, our Christian community won’t accept us for who we love. And within our gay community, our neighbors rarely understand why we stay in our seemingly oppressive faiths.

Here, the words of the masqueraded blogger, describe in beautiful prose his heart:

I have this dream of beauty and hope.

I have this idea – or rather, an ideal – of what my life partner would be like. God knows the number of times I’ve pleaded my list to Him. Of course, the list gets revised from time to time, but, it is essentially the same: a guy who loves God as much – if not more – than I do, who shares my interests, who loves words as much as I do and who will love me as much as I him. Apart from compatibility and chemistry, I look also for symmetry – be it in faith or in passions or in physicality. I don’t just want a relationship; I want a relationship that lasts.

I have this dream of a God-centred, God-honouring, life-long and monogamous relationship.

Is that really a lot to ask for? No, I mean, seriously. Sure it’ll help with the lonely nights and it’ll be swell to have someone with whom to share my joys and sorrows with, but beyond that, I want a racemate: someone who’ll run alongside me in this journey of faith. He’ll encourage me and I him. We’ll pick each other up whenever the other’s down. We’ll share each other’s delights and pains in this race.

We’ll teach each other how to love God more and in so doing, love each other more. And in loving each other, we’ll learn how to love God more.

I have this dream of a wonderful cycle of love.

I want connectivity and togetherness – to share in an intimacy so deep, so loving, so edifying as privy only to two heart-knitted souls.

Is that a lot to ask for?

I’m weary of the nights of crying myself to sleep, unhugged and feeling terribly alone. When will they end? Or will they ever? What’s it like to have someone whisper to you, “Everything’s gonna be okay”, instead of having to train myself to find comfort in my own voice?

It's GLBT History Month

in my menu to the left, you’ll see a new link for this month to the GLBT History Month site where each day, a figure from our history is profiled.

"Somedays I Feel As If I'm At War With Myself"

This piece by Kyle Rice in the Advocate hit while I was moving, so I had it stashed away for reading later … and now that I have … I’m … not very surprised. What Kyle has had
the courage to describe is what so many gay Christians go through in their minds as a result of the constant and debilitating indoctrination, shame, pressurized homophobia being force fed to our children.

While I applaud the fact he’s got the guts to speak what he really feels, where as many gay Christians in his position won’t even admit to being gay OR they reject their religious backgrounds flat out, there are a number of things that have pricked my curiosity a bit.

For one, he says “because of my religious beliefs, I hate the fact that I am gay.” What strikes me here and later is that he doesn’t deny that he’s gay. In fact, he freely admits his sexuality and understands that that’s who he is. He realizes, and admits freely, that he’s sexually attracted to other men and has been since age 12. He had a boyfriend at 15. He’s gone/going through ex-gay programs and admits by insinuation they’re not working for him (“with God’s help … I can change my desires. ... I pray the same [change my friend experienced] will happen to me.” )

Another point of interest is his interpretation of the Word. He says he went to a Pentecostal church – a neighborhood of the Kingdom notorious for its fundamentalist views (the neighborhood highlighted in the Jesus Camp movie). From within that world view he read the Bible, “including its many different and powerful passaging condemning homosexual activity.” Remember, though, the Bible is an old collection with many different and powerful Truths that have been interpreted in many ways. Whatever colored glasses we’re given by our churches and our upbringing is how we see these passages; and if we’re told by our churches and upbringing that six verses out of context (some of which are blatantly misinterpreted) amounts to “many different and powerful,” then that’s what they are … for him. But one groups’ interpretation does not amount to a truthful one.

I think Kyle may have no good role model … a pervasive problem in the gay and especially gay Christian community. Without a solid, sound, and moral view of what a healthy gay Christian relationship and life is like, they assume what they’ve been told by their antigay churches or the gross Queer-As-Folk hyperboles. So when Kyle says he “views living a gay lifestyle as against God’s word” and that “focus[es] on fighting efforts to force the ‘gay agenda’ on [Christians],” it’s clear he’s not had a balanced perspective in understanding his community.

The piece ends with a powerful line … “Some days I feel as if I’m at war with myself.” This is key. Nearly everyone who has suffered from being in the closet for any length of time, or in Kyle’s case a deep religiously motivated self-loathing, speaks of the struggle to understand who they were made to be. Kyle speaks of knowing he was attracted to boys at age 12 and in the same breath says that he knows it was a choice but he didn’t choose it. Of course the dichotomy between what he truly feels and what he’s been told to feel (or “know” in the Christian parlance) creates an internal war.

And yet nearly everyone I know and have heard of coming out have felt like my friend who I spoke of in my first post, “I’ve never been happier, or more at peace,” he says to me, “I’m not living in depression and constant conflict. I feel whole.”

There is a small contingent of gay Christian folk who believe that God accepts them as they are made, sexuality and all, but that acting on their feelings is wrong (like this guy). I support those people. They have reached a point where at least they understand who they are and how they were made to be. This understanding is a fundamental part of growing up, and is most often evidenced by some level of internal peace and contentment. Kyle doesn’t have that – as many gay Christians and ex-gay candidates caught in his cycle don’t – and that’s self evident in the doublespeak and circular logic. I’m concerned for him, but will pray and believe and he’ll come to understand who he is and who he was made to be.

Dangerous, Hypocritcal, Cowardly

Oh how I wish I could add nicer, Christiany words to the description of Former Congressman Mark Foley. How about “broken” or “humbled” or “lost?” But no. Anyone who manipulates and exploits kids is Dangerous. Anyone who does so after cosigning protection laws is hypocrtical. And, as its being reported this morning, anyone who checks into rehab for alcoholism as a ploy for sympathy (the Captain made me do it!) rather than facing his real demon is a coward.

I’m not sure who to be mad at, be it Foley, the leaders of the Congressional Page program, the other congresspeople who may have known and did nothing, the HRC/Log Cabin/Stonewall groups for not commenting, or e) all of the above.

How is it that a man who touts virtue and morality and child-protection would, as he is advocating Congress to enact laws to protect kids online, goes back to his office and tells a teenage kid to “strip down and get comfortable.”

Over and over and over we see fundamentalism and radical moral arrogance implode on itself. Foley, in a campaign against his own dark corners of his soul, flailed against those who do exactly what he did. He felt guilty, sponsored a law against it, and yet kept right on doing it. And now, it’s possible he could be prosecuted, and should be, under the very law that he pushed for.

It’s as if he wanted to be caught out.

Not that he tried very hard. Everyone knew he was gay and yet he consistently, adamently, even vehemently refused to discuss it. Fear and false, misguided shame kept him from his own truth. With no compass, support system, or relationship framework he fell headfirst into whatever he assumed would satisfy his love-related needs. And as happens with so many people who aren’t taught how to love best, gay or straight, a harmful deviance manifested itself.

Don’t mistake me – while I think this is the result of pressurized and internalized homophobia, I’m not excusing him. There are plenty of closeted gay men and women – many of my dearest, wisest friends – who aren’t twisted in the mind like this. And I’m not saying if Mommy and Daddy hugged him more he would have had a stable sense of proper relationship. I won’t ever make an excuse for someone’s behavior.

Being gay, or straight, has nothing to do with our choices of behavior. Sexuality requires responsibility. We are always responsible for our own actions – and cannot pawn that off on our sexuality, our upbringing, or, as in the breaking news right now, alcoholism.

Boycott!

I never get bored of boycott bonanza. Not sure why. They’re just so dumb. To anyone who thinks the Ford boycott by AFA+ is actually contributing a negative nickel to Ford’s financial troubles, I ask for stats of how many Christians actually intended to purchase a Ford vehicle in the last 6 months, and didn’t. And remember, lying’s a sin.

A Public Record of Homobigot Activists Intimidation Tactics

A post inspired by NARTH’s

I want this topic to document acts of intimidation by the antigay & fundamentalist activists, governments or institutions for expressing opposition to equality. As mentioned in another blog, http://www.exgaywatch.com these acts seem to be getting more aggressive and malicious. Tell your stories here please stand up and make these attacks public. By making it public you are demonstrating the intimidation is not going to work. If we are silent it will only get worse and may become violent later. I want this to be a public national record and a reference source for others interested in keeping a record of such attacks.

Gays Molest - says ExGay Group

A New Gay Nation ... In Cyprus?

OOPS

Christians Behaving Badly