"Somedays I Feel As If I'm At War With Myself"

This piece by Kyle Rice in the Advocate hit while I was moving, so I had it stashed away for reading later … and now that I have … I’m … not very surprised. What Kyle has had
the courage to describe is what so many gay Christians go through in their minds as a result of the constant and debilitating indoctrination, shame, pressurized homophobia being force fed to our children.

While I applaud the fact he’s got the guts to speak what he really feels, where as many gay Christians in his position won’t even admit to being gay OR they reject their religious backgrounds flat out, there are a number of things that have pricked my curiosity a bit.

For one, he says “because of my religious beliefs, I hate the fact that I am gay.” What strikes me here and later is that he doesn’t deny that he’s gay. In fact, he freely admits his sexuality and understands that that’s who he is. He realizes, and admits freely, that he’s sexually attracted to other men and has been since age 12. He had a boyfriend at 15. He’s gone/going through ex-gay programs and admits by insinuation they’re not working for him (“with God’s help … I can change my desires. ... I pray the same [change my friend experienced] will happen to me.” )

Another point of interest is his interpretation of the Word. He says he went to a Pentecostal church – a neighborhood of the Kingdom notorious for its fundamentalist views (the neighborhood highlighted in the Jesus Camp movie). From within that world view he read the Bible, “including its many different and powerful passaging condemning homosexual activity.” Remember, though, the Bible is an old collection with many different and powerful Truths that have been interpreted in many ways. Whatever colored glasses we’re given by our churches and our upbringing is how we see these passages; and if we’re told by our churches and upbringing that six verses out of context (some of which are blatantly misinterpreted) amounts to “many different and powerful,” then that’s what they are … for him. But one groups’ interpretation does not amount to a truthful one.

I think Kyle may have no good role model … a pervasive problem in the gay and especially gay Christian community. Without a solid, sound, and moral view of what a healthy gay Christian relationship and life is like, they assume what they’ve been told by their antigay churches or the gross Queer-As-Folk hyperboles. So when Kyle says he “views living a gay lifestyle as against God’s word” and that “focus[es] on fighting efforts to force the ‘gay agenda’ on [Christians],” it’s clear he’s not had a balanced perspective in understanding his community.

The piece ends with a powerful line … “Some days I feel as if I’m at war with myself.” This is key. Nearly everyone who has suffered from being in the closet for any length of time, or in Kyle’s case a deep religiously motivated self-loathing, speaks of the struggle to understand who they were made to be. Kyle speaks of knowing he was attracted to boys at age 12 and in the same breath says that he knows it was a choice but he didn’t choose it. Of course the dichotomy between what he truly feels and what he’s been told to feel (or “know” in the Christian parlance) creates an internal war.

And yet nearly everyone I know and have heard of coming out have felt like my friend who I spoke of in my first post, “I’ve never been happier, or more at peace,” he says to me, “I’m not living in depression and constant conflict. I feel whole.”

There is a small contingent of gay Christian folk who believe that God accepts them as they are made, sexuality and all, but that acting on their feelings is wrong (like this guy). I support those people. They have reached a point where at least they understand who they are and how they were made to be. This understanding is a fundamental part of growing up, and is most often evidenced by some level of internal peace and contentment. Kyle doesn’t have that – as many gay Christians and ex-gay candidates caught in his cycle don’t – and that’s self evident in the doublespeak and circular logic. I’m concerned for him, but will pray and believe and he’ll come to understand who he is and who he was made to be.

Permanent Link

Filed under The-Wrestling
10/03/06 12:05 AM
by The Blogger

Chelsey Karns says (Oct 18, 04:28 PM ):
I feel like I’m at war with myself every day as I struggle with sin in my own life. Paul talks about his struggle with sin in Romans 7, and I don’t see how that’s any different than how you may feel because you’re gay.
Tyonna Cook says (Jan 23, 07:12 PM ):
I can relate with kyle as in struggling with self because even at the age 42 I too struggle but I also feel that God loves us unconditonally and that there is no price for salvation because it already belongs to us Jesus died in order for us to have this freedom we are who we are and we can’t change that
Kyle Rice says (Feb 9, 03:18 AM ):
How else can the passages in the bible where God talks about homosexual acts being morally wrong be seen as anything such? I ask this totally honestly and open minded.
Augustine dale says (Nov 11, 05:22 AM ):
As a gay Catholic, i feels i am contradicting myself and that i am a hypocrite at times, as i am struggling to reconcile being gay and being a Christian. Yet i too believe that God created us as who we are, denying ourselves also means rejecting what God has given you. Though painful self-acceptance is always the first step towards being at ease with your faith and sexuality.
xusvkqw says (Jul 17, 06:19 AM ):
HVmSHP wspkesfpjrvu, [url=http://agenwjxbkguf.com/]agenwjxbkguf[/url], [link=http://ybkjakzdglty.com/]ybkjakzdglty[/link], http://qlroguzgnaix.com/

Dangerous, Hypocritcal, Cowardly It's GLBT History Month